Red is blue
by MarlleneMilton
Summary: Bilbo left after BoFA thinking that all three Durins died. He could t go on with his life and decided to end it not knowing that Thorin was on his way to the Shire


It was 3 years after the Battle of Five Armies and his miraculous recovery when Thorin finallz managed to get the mountain under control that he could leave for a longer period of time. It wasn´t because of his duties in the mountain, his pride had a big role to play. He wanted nothing more than to run to Bilbo and apologize for everything he had said. But he didn´t. He kept repeating to himself that he couldn´t leave, not yet. The truth was, he was terrified of seeing the hobbit again. The possibility of Bilbo not forgiving him haunted him everyday.

But his longing for the hobbit was stronger than his pride and fear. He missed him immensely.

So now there it was, the Shire. It look absolutely the same as the first time he came here. He took some members of the Company with him. More of them wanted to come, but it wouldn't be wise. Someone needed to stay in the Mountain, Fili as the future king and Balin to help him. Dori and Bombur stayed as well with their families.

Dwalin was leading their small group, prouding himself to remember the way. Thorin could only smile. All was good.

After a short while they reached their goal. There was probably some occasion as there were hobbits standing in the doorway, chatting and looking generally excited.

No, they looked distressed, not excited. A fear washed over Thorin. What was happening?

They didn't wait at the small gate and went straight to the door. The hobbits noticed them too late to stop them. As if they would be able to do that. Thorin stepped into the room and looked in the direction everyone was looking.

No.

This wasn't possible

Small body of a very familiar hobbit was lying near the kitchen table. Lifeless.

He knew someone was talking to him, he didn't hear them. There were hands touching him, he didn't notice them. But then an unfamiliar voice reached his ears.

"Is any of you Thorin by any chance?"

He looked at the small man asking for him, holding a sheet of paper.

"I am." was all he was able to breathe out

"He was holding this, probably wrote it before he took the…." the hobbit looked pained to even say it aloud. "It's addressed to you."

Thorin looked at the paper, feeling like something was squeezing him from all sides.

My dear Thorin,

I have so many things to tell you, It´s not like you will ever read this anyway. I guess I´m just…

I´m sorry

I´m sorry for being the weakest member of the Company. I guess I still am.

I´m sorry for being such a burden for most of the journey.

I´m sorry for making you angry when I stole the Arkenstone, which was pointless in the end. I did it to protect you all and I failed in that as well.

I´m sorry for never saying how much you meant to me. You showed what my life lacked. I didn´t run after you that fateful morning for gold, fame or any of the sort. I did it because of you, because I wanted to prove you that I´m not just a grocer who´s good at conkers. Another fail.

I didn´t intend to have any feelings for you. You were rude to me so I should have hated you. I couldn´t. Every time I looked at you, I hoped, I yearned for you to look at me with something else than disgust and disappontment. I hoped for a smile caused by my doing.

When I threw myself on the orc who was ready to behead you, I didn´t think at all. The only thing on my mind was your safety. What you said to me after the Eagles had saved us, meant more to me than you could have possibly known. I allowed myself to hope that we could be friends and it was honestly all I wanted.

At least at that time.

When you were captured in the dungeon, I thought I´d go mad! I wanted you all to be free from the Elves, but I couldn´t find a way out. I knew I wouldn´t leave you so I would probably die there, unseen sitting next to your cell. It ´s not a death I´d choose, but at least you would be there with me. Right now, there is nobody with me and that is much worse.

At that time I realised that your life is more important to me than my own. I probably had known that before, but it was in the dark corridors where I finally admitted it. It doesn´t matter it was only to the cold walls and silence.

If you could be here now…

Remember that one time in Lake town when we were happy watching you nephews? They were ... or more like started a sword fight and ended up tickling each other. You took my hand and look into my eyes then. Remember what you said? I do.

"When this is all over and the mountain is ours again…" I remember being starled a bit for the use of _ours_ instead of _mine _

"I know you will want to go back to the Shire, it is your home, I understand that…but perhaps you could stay with us for a while" I was speechless for a moment and then I smiled and nodded.

"And maybe you could visit me, you know the way now. Or you should." I said cheekily.

And there it was. You smiled. A genuine smile caused by me and aimed at me. I had the biggest urge to just throw my arms around you, hold you tight and just laugh. But I didn´t do any of that. Coward. Yes, coward I was.

But you´ve never been one.

Oh, Thorin….

The moment you kissed me I swear I felt my heart burst into flames. Those few second gave me more than any elvish spell ever could. If only it could have lasted longer before it was crushed completely.

Why? Why didn´t you listen to me! You could have lived! I know you could have! I would have done anything for you if only you had given me the chance.

I´m sorry

I´m still the weakest member of the company. I tried to go on. I tried to live. But I see you everywhere. I look at the door and see the sign even though it was repainted long ago.

I look at the my mother´s glory box and it´s only Kili I see there.

I look at the hearth and I see you all sitting around and singing.

Oh that blasted singing won´t ever leave me.

I can´t continue like this. You´re everywhere, but you´re not here!

I can feel it´s working, good. Not long now.

Then I suppose this is my last chance to say it. But what is there to say? I´m a coward anyway

I love you

If you are there behind the death´s door, I hope we will never meet again. I don't deserve it. I should be stronger, like you, and not giving up. I know. And I´m sorry.

What is done is done. I´m leaving this world in shame without any hope in my weak, broken heart.

I wish

No…

It´s funny what comes to your mind when you´re dying. Regrets mostly. But if there is one thing I don´t regret, it is going on an adventure with you. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Which is ironic considering it's the reason, why I feel the life leaving me now

Oh, Thorin…

The sky was red when I started writing this. It is still red, but now I only see blue. Your blue.

You´re smiling again.

Good. All is good

Thorin couldn't handle it any longer. He fell to his knees and wept. For so many years his face hasn't seen a single tear, but now he didn't care.

He was dead. Bilbo was dead! He killed himself and all because of him. If he only came earlier, he could stop him. He could tell how wrong he was.

It was too late.

Thorin somehow managed to drag himself next to the hobbit's body. He was cold to touch and the sparkle in his eyes was long gone.

The King under the Mountain was still crying. Nothing in the world mattered. His hobbit was no more.


End file.
